Holidays are always so difficult. Especially being single after 50. We may yearn to think of those past times when we were with the person we loved, and who loved us for so many years. This coming Thursday may be a tough one for you. Perhaps you have been thinking, “He Left me at 50 or I got Left after the age of 50, what is there to be thankful for?”
To those of you ladies toughing it through this one, asking yourselves, “Why did he cheat?” I ask you to think about the alternative. What about the last Thanksgiving you had with the Man Who Betrayed You? Was that fun? Are you in more pain now than you were then? I doubt it. I really, really doubt it.
We must face the fact that It is over, and feel the heartache that is involved. But we also must remember that we have so much to be thankful for.
One of the main things is that we are no longer in a dead relationship. Living with that broken bond day after day. That can’t be repaired. We face that and try to focus on the fact that we are free of it by recognizing we are taking steps for our mental health crisis.
But even though you are free, have you been feeling the need to “shelter in place”? It’s a term that means to seek safety in the building you occupy. When I was Left at Fifty, I did a few years of sheltering in place.
The shock, grief, fear, and uncertainty led me to only really feel safe in my own home. There wasn’t a lot of going out into the world to “see what the night brings.” That was too scary of a prospect.
It was not the best way to live, that’s for sure. But when that gigantic shoe dropped, and I had no significant other, my world seemed off-kilter.
I had trouble keeping my balance on a day-to-day basis. Everything felt like a major adjustment. Paying bills, changing light bulbs, dealing with the car mechanic. During my marriage, I handled all of those things! What was so different now?
The illusion that if something did go wrong, I could call him. Flat tire on the highway? He’d come to get me. How many earthquakes did we ride out together? I’d recall the old days where when the turkey needed basting, there he was, baster in hand. But you know what? That was a long time ago. The emotional balance of celebrating something with your significant other is all gone.
With all the responsibilities and self-doubts, there are also those daily glimmers of lightness in our souls now. We need to be thankful that the heaviness we were mired in for all those years has lightened.
To look in the mirror and smile. We have happy days to look forward to instead of the same old misery. The one we couldn’t tell anyone about…especially during the holidays. So, even on the tough days ahead, with the Christmas carols playing in the mall, and all those lousy commercials with young couples getting engaged, rings being slipped on fingers. Know this. You have a life ahead of you. A life of your own choosing. So do yourself a favor. Choose happiness. Choose the benefits of practicing self-kindness for your mental health.
You more than deserve it. Isn’t that more than enough to be thankful for?
I am a Childless 50-something-year-old. As families sit down around their tables with their children and grandchildren, i.e. the family that exists because they exist, it’s easy to feel like the Odd (Old?) Woman Out. As an unmarried non-parent, you’d think I’d feel out of place at these gatherings. Society tells me I should. Because I don’t engender my gender. I chose a list of other options. Career, travel, moving lots of times to lots of places, in short having a life filled with unfamiliar experiences.
When I was in my twenties and thirties, I must confess that I did feel “odd” or needed to justify my life choices. But there are many reasons why my life went down that unconventional, adventurous road.
Some of them were under my control, but others were out of it: A body that wasn’t “built for babies” as they used to say. The bad luck of never finding a man who wholeheartedly wanted to be a Dad. And the truth is, if that stable home and family were what I truly wanted, perhaps I would have hung in there more until every matrimonial/procreational option had been exhausted. But I didn’t.
Right after I was left, Thanksgiving was a very dreaded day for me. But my life has changed and so have I. I had to. I needed to. Then, surprisingly, I wanted to. Now I make sure I have someone to have dinner with well in advance. Because the danger is in not doing anything. In convincing myself it’s just “easier to stay at home.”
“Are you already, somewhere inside of you, planning to not do anything this holiday season? Well, stop that.”
Do you do that? Talk yourself out of things that could be fun? Are you already, somewhere inside of you, planning to not do anything this holiday season? Well, stop that. You have a right to enjoy your life. And you will never convince me that staying home alone all the time is the funnest thing ever. That microwaving leftovers and curling up is the only way to go.
That is a version of sheltering in place. The reason that feels comfortable, especially at first, is because we are overcoming our own life disaster. We keep thinking the other shoe will drop if we step out into that big, bad world.
If awful things can happen in our own homes, like the demise of our relationships, then how scary is the outside world, really?
I know none of this is easy. Truly. I cannot tell you how many hundreds of evenings I spent alone with a book in my bed. Hundreds. Don’t be me. Go and do and laugh and eat and stay out too late and sleep half the day away, because you are having too much fun to come home.
The unexpected can be more fun than you ever imagined. Ladies, put on your best shoes and step out there these next few months. Swing the door to your “great, wide open,” let the wind blow through, and see what happens. If you don’t like it, you can always shelter in place!
As this world changes, so does the definition of a family.
Not all of us grew up with that Norman Rockwell/Brady Bunch home as a model. I sure didn’t. But I’m thankful that I found a life of grace and wonder and encourage kindness despite that.
On Thanksgiving Day, I will sit around a table of people who used to be called “misfits” and “oddballs” and we will share a meal as a different kind of family. A Modern Family. That’s fine with us. Let’s all pray the stuffing turns out.
We all go through major life transitions when relationships end… Through the Leftat50.com website, I will share my thoughts as I walk the path of “New-Self” discovery. It doesn’t matter which side of 50 you are on. The real question is, Are you ready to live life? To forge a Path of Your Own Making (For a change!)? Then stop dwelling over the What-Might-Have-Beens and join me. Share your thoughts here, comment on mine, and let’s do this together! And check out my book, “Restarting Your Life When You Are. No Longer A Wife” I wrote it just for you!