When you are licking your wounds over the demise of a long-term relationship, (even if it ended horribly) an unexpected train of thought may pop up. Instead of thinking, “Good Riddance” you are free of him, you may find a weird event happening in your brain. Looking back and thinking of the Happy Times. That romantic anniversary. The inside joke you both cracked up about. All of those fun Valentine’s Day surprises you both planned and shopped for. Fun surprises with your Ex are now a thing of the past.
You may start to think you will never have that with anyone else.
Because shared life stuff grows out of years together. Those moments added up to your intimate shared experiences. Now for some reason, you are thinking back to the early years before everything changed. I get it.
The truth is everything has changed. It’s time to clear your mind of that Way-Back Machine. It’s not impossible to have that kind of relationship again. If you want it. You’re a smart woman and you know that. That’s why you’re starting life over after divorce.
Still, it’s a weird space to find yourself in. Realizing the past is Past and the Future is Unknown. Don’t panic over this reality. Know that you’re not the only woman of a Certain Age to feel this way. I wish I had an easy answer to steady your nerves. When I felt lost, I’d ask myself, “What would make you happy right now? Call a friend? Go to a movie? Take a nap? The idea is to do something other than Pine for the Past. You will figure your life out in time just as you always have. Because you’re experiencing empowerment as a woman over 50 after a divorce.
The most freeing feeling I felt was when I decided to stop waiting for an apology.
Most Exes these days are Masters of the Non-Apology Apology. This inane concept puts the notion that they should apologize to us on us! In their minds, we only want an apology because we are nut cases. It’s not because something horrible was done by them.
In their swelled heads, they haven’t done anything that requires them to utter the simple five letters. Sorry. My theory is that they are not sorry at all. Being jolly on the daily with their new Chicky-Babe doesn’t warrant an apology. Those things are bummers. Their life is a party now. Why must we bring them down?
Clearly, what we are looking for is their understanding of the concept of an apology for what they did. He cheated and left me at 50. Certainly, we must be out of our minds to think we deserve an explanation. Let alone an apology! Once I let go of his creepy ass for good, guess what happened? I could care less about an empty apology. It is irrelevant. As are all of his future actions, none of which I care to hear about. This was one of the major steps in this mental health crisis.
Because my own Happiness became relevant.
What a glorious relief! I wake up and ask, “Do I feel happy right now?” Usually, it’s a resounding “Yes!” If it’s not, I know it’s temporary and I can change my mood of my own volition. Some yoga moves, a hot shower, and a cup of coffee (as weak as I like it!) Let’s head out for the rest of our lives. But first, rip up the notion of the apology and throw it into the wind.
It’s time to give yourself a hug!
Oftentimes when you know you are no longer loved, you stop loving yourself. Valentine’s season is the time to renew your love for your awesome self. I know some of you may not believe that right now. Emotionally, you’ve been knocked down. But now you stand tall, face bright to the winter sun. This is your day!
Maybe it’s a mug of hot coffee with a friend. A bubbly bath. Anyone for a pedicure and a foot massage? Take advantage of this Valentine’s Day special! Wrap yourself in a new wrap. Smile in the mirror. Celebrate all you have accomplished since the split. Realize it was the best thing that could have happened to you. These are the benefits of practicing kindness for your mental health.
One of the zillions of great things about being a woman is that we are wonderfully able to reach out to each other and have fun. I googled “Gal-entine’s Day” and literally hundreds of events came up!
Ever since the character of Leslie Knope on the sitcom “Parks and Recreation” proclaimed February 13th Galentine’s Day, the idea of women celebrating together has become a phenomenon. Women are gathering everywhere from gluten-free bakeries to coloring and crafting parties to potlucks to have fun.
There are even virtual “Bra-Less” baking parties! Why not? This is a day to celebrate, not isolate. Because who appreciates hearts and flowers and chocolates more than a group of other women?
I am willing to come clean – so here goes — I don’t like chocolate.
Unlike any other woman I have ever known, I don’t pine for it, crave it, or dream about it. – But I digress…
I’m putting on my heart-shaped glasses and enjoying this day the way Cupid intended. I loudly sing a heart song (or let Michael Buble´ do it) to appreciate the fact that the loveless years with the Ex are beyond the horizon.
Welcome, all members of the “Unvalentined Tribe!”
But for those who were left at 50 and are singletons this year, I feel we should rename February 14th for ourselves and call it, “Unvalentined Day.” That is the day we celebrate that we are no longer with the man we used to call our Valentine.
It’s a good day for us, not a sad day.
We will be looking forward to not having our hearts broken once again for the gifts we won’t get or the half-hearted flowers that used to show up at the door during those “ending years.”
“Thanks, honey,” you would say dryly to the back of his head as he sat on the couch watching old episodes of The Sopranos in silence. How uncomfortable was that? “Hey! I don’t love you and you don’t love me, Happy Valentine’s Day!”
How do you find a card for that?
Luckily for us, those days are over. All of us Unvalentined gals can skip through this day freely and joyfully. Maybe buy ourselves a piece of jewelry or a red velvet brownie. (They are really both the same value to us, aren’t they? Ha!)
So enjoy your Unvalentined day and congratulations on not being in a phony couple with phony love gestures anymore.
You are in alignment with yourself. February brings the usual Valentine’s Day overload of ads and store displays. It’s going to be okay. Now you know to hug yourself whenever you need to. Take that notion to heart. And happy Valentine’s Season!
We all go through major life transitions when relationships end… Through the Leftat50.com website, I will share my thoughts as I walk the path of “New-Self” discovery. It doesn’t matter which side of 50 you are on. The real question is, Are you ready to live life? To forge a Path of Your Own Making (For a change!)? Then stop dwelling over the What-Might-Have-Beens and join me. Share your thoughts here, comment on mine, and let’s do this together! And check out my book, “Restarting Your Life When You Are. No Longer A Wife” I wrote it just for you!