A few years ago, I made a truly correct decision to stop seeing a certain man. Seeing the bigger picture, I could see that the road ahead was full of potholes, and emotionally, I could not afford to hit one. I ended it the modern way by blocking his number.
It didn’t make me feel good, but it was the best thing I could have done.
That doesn’t mean that no tears fell. I wouldn’t call it a thunderstorm of tears, though. It was more like a steady rain.
Even with the distance of time, I questioned the decision. I considered all my options. Until I decided to stop questioning my own actions in this specific instance. That, too, was a hard decision. But I knew for a fact that blocking was the best right action. I knew this at the time and again a few years later when I erased his number from my phone forever.
The fact that I’ve dredged this up to post about it today may show I’m not over it completely. That’s okay. I can deal with it. Feelings come, and I know that they also go. Today is not tomorrow. This will fade once again. It will be my doing. I’m committed to this course of action. These days, I choose what I’m going to focus on. Pushing thoughts to the side and focusing on what I really need to be accomplishing that day is how I roll now.
My largest deformity was co-dependence.
Working with a specialized therapist was life-changing. I’m so blessed to have found her. I have always been a person with dreams and goals I believed would be attainable. It is truly this new way of thinking that led to my new way of doing. Instead of using that old trope, “Nothing happens overnight.” I created a new, positive mantra: “I’ll definitely finish this today.” And I did.
Can you relate? The push to make a difficult life decision. The pull of wanting a dead relationship to be the way it was in the beginning? That was a long time ago. He is not who he was then. Neither are you. We’ve become a group of women who know how to stick with our tough decisions. To align with our values. Because we know, as we sit here today, we agree with our past choice. I’m telling you, once it’s done, it will continue to feel completely correct.
If you are grappling with taking action on a life-changing choice of some kind, I get it.
I don’t have to tell you what to do because you already know. You’ve assessed the risks and benefits. Feel it in your bones? Does your stomach stop roiling at the thought of taking a permanent action you know is right at this point in your life? My gentle suggestion is to listen to your angry gut. That’s your center.
Our brains feed our bellies. All of us Left at 50’s know this. Call the lawyer. Sign the papers. Book that solo trip. Feed your soul. Get a pet. Delete his number now. You know it’s the final freeing thing to do. Congrats on your decisiveness. You have the resources to do this. Now get on with your life. I’m giving you a huge pat on the back to get you started.
It’s wonderful to realize that we can treat ourselves one hundred percent nicer than he ever did.
What were we waiting for? Some personality miracle that would deliver to us the man we so wanted to believe he actually was? No more stalling on the life remake. The day-to-day joy of your newfound freedom. Today, I urge you to do something wonderful that you’ve been incessantly thinking about for a long time. Take that “notion” and make it a real-life experience. Now, that’s living. That’s joy.
Even if your ultimate goal will come in the form of a hundred baby steps, get going, girl. When I wrote and self-published my book, I joyfully went through those tiny steps. One by one. Write the book. Find an editor. Rewrite according to their edits. Find a proofreader. Fix grammar errors and reorder some chapters. Figure out what the title should be. Also, what the heck should the cover look like? On and on. Just take the first step.
There’s no way I could have known about all these steps without help from folks who know how to do it.
Once I found a tribe of other women with the same dream, I had a support team. Each knew what each step needed to be. I listened and took every action needed to become a published author. I followed my own path.
After it was actually published and I had the hardbacks and paperbacks, and it was on Kindle, now I needed to learn how to let ladies know it existed. I hired a company to narrow down which podcast would work for me. Got them sample chapters and a resume. Had an initial phone call. Booked the podcast. Showed up and learned a lot about how to be a podcast guest. Another new skill attained. I stopped wishing and just did it.
The above is an example of what baby steps to goal achievement can look like. I realize this is different for everyone of us. But breaking your goal into bite-sized chunks is the best way to begin. What this journey taught me is that self-publishing a book is not some huge insurmountable goal. It is a series of consistent actions that I did not abandon. I stayed focused on the goal, not the obstacles.
During these few years of achieving this lifetime goal, I had to be okay with letting other things be pushed aside.
Was my office always tidy? No. It was a complete hurricane of papers everywhere and piles that were kind of organized. I chose not to put my time into that. I stayed on my goal. Laundry can wait until I finish this chapter. There’s nothing wrong with a can of tomato soup for lunch. Again.
The overarching goal of being a published author wasn’t a vanity project. What drove me was that I knew there was a need to share the story of restarting my life at the age of fifty. I knew I was not the only woman going through this. The reactions to this blog were all the evidence I needed. Plus, when I was out perusing the self-help aisles seeking such a book, there wasn’t a single one. My discipline was the bridge between goals and accomplishment.
Thus began my journey of accomplishing what seemed like an out-of-reach goal. Because I had never done this before. Could I really pull it off? The answer, clearly, was “yes.” I didn’t know that when I started. But with each tiny task accomplished, it became more doable. It wasn’t only doable. It was enjoyable! Once I began, I relished the part of my day when I was working to become an author. At this stage of life, accomplishing this felt exciting. Many people think they have a book in them, but they start and stop. Take a few years off. Dabble a bit. Put it back in the drawer. I hear about this all the time at various events I’ve attended.
You don’t have to be the Dabbler.
There are no shortcuts to any place worth going. Be the Doer. It’s so much more satisfying. You’ve been through a lot. It’s your time now. Start today. Don’t always be “too busy.” Decide today to change your way of thinking from “I’ll look into that later” to “I’m looking now.” That’s how you get it done. Whatever “it” is.
Don’t allow doubt to make you think the right decision is wrong.
If you let that emotion in before you even start, nothing will ever happen. Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal. There is something to a positive thinking statement, trust me. I used thoughts like, “How hard can it be?” “Millions of people have already done this, so I certainly can.” “Nothing is impossible to find out about. I only need to take the time and do the research online.”
What I quickly realized was, so much can be done through the internet. There is no tidbit of information that is not at my fingertips. Do you realize that? The answers are out there in this age of information. Make a list of your most pressing questions. Then sit down and research to find the answer that feels right to you. Maybe it’s on a new website. Perhaps a podcast that you never knew about is a treasure trove of inspiration.
Not every single day is an enormous success that’s going to make you find your goal in one huge leap.
But that’s okay. We all know that the most important thing is to actually do the thing we’ve been considering. That nagging goal in our brains we have yet to even begin to attain. Don’t be down on yourself by setting an unrealistic timeline for whatever it is. Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm. My book was published months later than I thought it would be. Now I see that it was the best date to launch a book like mine.
Get going.
Finish reading this post and promise that today is the day to take at least one action to achieve your ultimate goal. Let’s not think a year from now, that you wish you had started your goal today. I promise your days will be joyful, not filled with the stress of finally getting to it. I know for a fact, it’ll be worth it.
We all go through major life transitions when relationships end… Through the Leftat50.com website, I will share my thoughts as I walk the path of “New-Self” discovery. It doesn’t matter which side of 50 you are on. The real question is, ‘Are you ready to live life? To forge a Path of Your Own Making (For a change!)?’ Then stop dwelling over the What-Might-Have-Beens and join me. Share your thoughts here, comment on mine, and let’s do this together! And check out my book, “Restarting Your Life When You Are. No Longer A Wife,” I wrote it just for you!