Realizing your longtime partner is no longer “all in” the relationship does not happen suddenly. For me, it took about two decades. Because that’s the way it happened between the two of us. When we first met, I knew he was smitten. He constantly wanted to stay over at my place. Then he wanted us to get a place. You know that -in- your -twenties- young-love drill. Time passes slowly.
I really didn’t notice he was no longer sharing his outer and inner life with me.
I’d say I noticed he was holding back about seven percent of himself at first. Long phone calls with old friends from his high school days, which I, of course, was not privy to. It didn’t bother me that he was talking to the woman he went to prom with decades ago. She was married with several kids. Plus, I’d met her a time or two.
Then it seemed other “separate life” stuff began to creep in. Lunches that I wasn’t invited to. Many times with his sister, but also with mutual friends. Then he went out places on a Sunday morning to “watch the game” at a hotspot bar where he made more outside friends. He rarely brought these new friends into our home. I think he brought all of two of them out of what sounded like at least twenty people he was now interfacing with on Sunday mornings.
It was also apparent that he was footing the bill for everyone involved in this “Going to watch the game at the bar” adventure.
How convenient for them. Was he buying new friends? Why would grown adults always allow him to pay for everyone’s food and drinks for months on end? I thought it was odd. Were we on separate paths? But I could also see myself making outside friends. Women at my workout classes, you know what I mean. We’d go out after class for tea or a scoop of sorbet sometimes. If it was merely an innocent thing for me, I guessed it was the same for him. We don’t need to do everything together.
Things changed. He went from going out with the gang of twenty to something fishier. He started taking his mystery phone calls outside. Every day. More than once a day. All of a sudden, I cannot hear his side of the conversation with the person I probably don’t know. That had never happened before. For a while, it didn’t bother me. I let it go. But like most failing relationships, it started to make me very uneasy. I wondered if I was being too sensitive. I didn’t want to make a big deal out of nothing. But…
Who is he talking to for over an hour out of my earshot?
What could he possibly be talking about that he did not want me to overhear? I was stumped. Turns out, as I’m sure you’ve figured out by now, I was ignoring my instincts. He was cheating. I wasn’t being insecure or paranoid. The phone call was with a woman half his age he’d met while out somewhere.
The ruse began to unravel when the late-night sneak-ins started. Now he was going out after work too. Even on weeknights. Even more suspicious was the fact that he was returning after I was asleep. This was probably one or two in the morning. I had to work the next day. No way was I waiting up like I was his parent or something. He stopped sleeping in our bed and began sleeping in the guest room. It became obvious that he was cheating on me. But with whom? Where? And most importantly…why? What had shifted?
From knowing everything about each other’s lives to knowing nothing?
I kept waiting for him to explain what was going on. Weeks and months went by, and he never would say a single word about it. Even if I stood right in front of him and asked him, he would not make eye contact. Worse, he would not answer me, refusing to answer questions. Not a single word. He’d not only walk away. He’d get in his car and drive away. No idea where he was going or when he’d return. Or if he’d return at all. When I called, it went straight to voicemail.
Now, if someone is cheating and wants to break up, in Normal Land, they tell the person they are cheating on. The silent treatment threw me. To this day, I have never figured it out. Of course, I knew he was cheating. For some reason, to this day, he has never admitted it to me. Not a single word. No explanation at all.
Of course, other people told me things here and there.
As years went by and he was long gone, I heard even more. But to me, it remains to this day mere speculation. I really find that odd. Most women are told why. They’re given some reason. Especially after a long relationship. You know, that whole quarter of a century thing. Clearly, we weren’t on the same page anymore. I guess in his mind, I did not deserve an explanation. I stopped trying to figure that out a very long time ago. It doesn’t matter to me now. Back then, it seemed cruel. We’d been through a lot together. Major life milestone stuff. Was I truly worthy of dead eyes and silence?
These days, I am thankful it ended when it did. Not the way it was handled, but the fact that it was clear the love was gone. Why waste any more precious lifetime in loveless misery? No reason to pine for an emotion that is long gone. It slid under a creaky doorway like so much broken glass. No one saves broken glass. It must be swept up and done away with. It cannot be repurposed into something usable. So it was with our relationship. What’s done is over with.
I have moved on.
Too many interesting and exciting experiences. I live in a fabulous new place. There’s also been the excitement of attending all of the Women’s Marches. I’ve been to plays, concerts, zoos, and movie premieres. It feels like I’m living my life, not merely existing.
In this season of thanks, I am very thankful that the heaviness I was mired in for all those years has permanently lightened. And that I am no longer in a dead relationship, living with a broken bond day after day. Now I look in the mirror and smile at my own reflection. I never could have guessed I could one day feel happy back then, enduring all the silent Sunday suppers.
I am sure you all feel the same way.
Enjoy whatever festivities you encounter or create. Live in the now with the freedom that comes from no longer being trapped with someone who was adding nothing to your life. Time speeds up as we get older. We don’t have years to waste wondering what someone else is doing on Sunday mornings. Take joy in your own separate, happy life. You are not trapped. You are free. That is the gift. And for that, we are truly thankful.
Neither are any of you lovely ladies. For that sweet gift, we are thankful indeed.
We all go through major life transitions when relationships end… Through the Leftat50.com website, I will share my thoughts as I walk the path of “New-Self” discovery. It doesn’t matter which side of 50 you are on. The real question is, ‘Are you ready to live life? To forge a Path of Your Own Making (For a change!)?’ Then stop dwelling over the What-Might-Have-Beens and join me. Share your thoughts here, comment on mine, and let’s do this together! And check out my book, “Restarting Your Life When You Are. No Longer A Wife,” I wrote it just for you!