Halloween is upon us, and we “Hallow Eves” who are now single strutters can use this day for a “Me-Check”. I’m dressed as ‘single,’ and it’s scarier than any costume. Looking in the mirror with no objective other than to evaluate the costume we don each day. Are we accurately reflecting who we really are to the world?
After he left, the world felt like a never-ending Halloween.
My “home” became the Haunted House. Haunted by what we used to be. Especially in the creepiness of the night. Was that a noise downstairs in this house I am now alone in? The crack of the stick? Maybe a squirrel. That upstairs rattle? Just the wind. Or is it? Is it the Spirit of the past relationship?
As a newbie left at 50, I grabbed the flashlight and I floated around my kitchen and living room like a ghost of my former self, making sure all was safe. There were no criminals in my neighborhood. It was merely a life adjustment, the one of taking care of everything all by myself. Of believing I could take care of everything. Then actually took care of everything with no hesitation over my decisions. Little by little, the hunched-over Me stood taller. Smiling was not a chore, and I created a brand new “Me” costume. Soon, the word “costume” fell away because this was not some fakery. It was not the Ghost of Diane Past. This was New Me! Miss Present! Miss Future! The Now, Today Woman. Creepin’ it real…ly single.
Who IS this person, and who cast this spell on Little Ol’Me?
New Me Lady likes to wear cool vintage boots and dresses instead of my old sweatsuit. One Size Bigger For Comfort Look. All of the hole-y, old, washed-a-thousand-times concert tees I slept in have been thrown out and replaced with lovely light cotton (hot flashers’ best friend) knits. New sleep socks and one of those battery-operated candles that look real shine beside my bed as my new reading lamp. This is fun!
After the horror show of being cheated on and left, it is easy to allow doubts, self-blame, and hateful emotions to take residence in our attics. Haunted by my ex, but slaying it anyway. Unfortunately, doing this may keep us from conducting a thorough self-evaluation. We need time for that spell of Self-Doubt we cast on ourselves to be broken. And when that happens, there is the realization that we have grown and changed and need to share that person with the world. Assets galore have been packed away and need to be taken out to sparkle in the light of day.
That old, hunched over, beaten down “Me” costume is in the trash heap the New You happily bulldozed over.
Different versions of our Newfound Selves abound as we expand and explore. We glance in the mirror and see an enthusiasm reflected in our eyes. We lipstick ourselves, smile, and head out knowing we are proud of the work we’ve put in on our newly single selves. The Free Me’s, the Well-rested Me’s, Well-fed Me’s, the Sexy Me’s, the Style All Our Own Me’s, we walk this world together now, we bravely bound down creaky stairs. We float out the plethora of open windows in our psyches, ready to flaunt the world. If you’ve got it, haunt it. I got it, he lost it
Have you been “Ghosted” by your Ex or non-committed male pal? In this Halloween season, the term “Ghosted” seems highly appropriate. If you’ve been out of the horrors of the dating scene, let me enlighten you about “submarining,” “bread crumbing,” and other unpleasant dating phenomena men will subject you to.
If you are like me, you have already been “ghosted’ by your Ex, which means you have not seen their frightful face nor heard a ghoulish word from them in eons. ( What d’ya know? Dreams really DO come true!) Just like the leaves, some things just have to fall and be raked away.
There is still the possibility that you have merely been “benched” and don’t know it yet.
That is when a man puts you on a “bench” while he goes off and dates “someone better,” assuming he can always come back to his own personal version of “Forrest Dumped.”
With every generation, there are new terms created to describe the cruel, unfair, and wicked ways men do their version of “ending” a relationship. Back in our high school days, we were “dumped,” or “ditched,” or “dropped.” This usually involved a face-to-face conversation, or at worst, a note. With the advent of technology into this ever-complicated scenario, we can now be fooled into thinking we are in a serious relationship when we are merely being “Cuffed.” “Cuffing” happens in the fall and winter months when a man would rather be “cuffed” to a woman than be alone on a cold, dark night.
Feeling like you’ve landed on a different planet? Let me wave my magic wand and illuminate some things for you.
Ever been “submarined?” I bet you have. That’s when a man goes away and then pops back up again like nothing happened. They are just back in your life, and you should welcome them without ever bringing up their prolonged absence. Most logically, they were seeing someone else and bread-crumbing you.
Oh, you don’t know what “bread crumbing” is?
Yes, you do! That is when a man texts you flirty, dirty text messages. He intends to “trick” your “treat” without putting in any effort. Well, no tricks, just treats. And I’m the only one I’m treating this year.
Let’s face it. The days of a man pulling up in a nice car and opening a door for you have been replaced by hook-up only invites with 140 characters or less. Way less. My last relationship went backwards by my standards. It started out with meals and then went to coffee, which then went to texts only, which then when to me blocking him forever. It gives new meaning to the term “blockhead”. See, we can have fun terms for bad behavior, too!
So all of you Ghosters out there, chill out!
No bones about it. Ryan Gosling is the only man who haunts my dreams. Yes, men, Ryan is our new standard of excellence. Scary huh? And so my Hallow Eves, enjoy this fall season. Bake a pumpkin pie. Make some cider with cinnamon sticks. Pour a hot bath with magical Epsom salts and crawl in for a spell. We are the makers of our own magic.
After decades of life caring for everyone else, this is our moon. Howl at it if you choose. Stare at it and state your intentions for yourself. On behalf of yourself. What a concept, huh? Make time to rest. Rest is rejuvenation, and this is the best time of year for that. Shorter, cooler days. Long nights. Be kind and cozy to yourself. You deserve internal hugs. Extend them to yourself. Then pick up the phone and call an old friend. Catch up. Make a future plan. Decide to make your life a celebration of yourself. Of what you’ve endured and triumphed over. This Halloween, I’m casting a spell for a fresh start.
No bread crumbing allowed!
We all go through major life transitions when relationships end… Through the Leftat50.com website, I will share my thoughts as I walk the path of “New-Self” discovery. It doesn’t matter which side of 50 you are on. The real question is, ‘Are you ready to live life? To forge a Path of Your Own Making (For a change!)?’ Then stop dwelling over the What-Might-Have-Beens and join me. Share your thoughts here, comment on mine, and let’s do this together! And check out my book, “Restarting Your Life When You Are. No Longer A Wife,” I wrote it just for you!