Dancing with the stars just announced their new dancers for this fall’s series and it got me to thinking about how long I continued dancing with my Ex, the Divorce Dance. You know, one partner aggressively seeks communication or “closure” (the pursuer), while the other retreats or shuts down to avoid conflict (the distancer).
After he walked out, there were months and months where we had to continue our communication in some way over the myriad of issues a big split entails.
Much like our ever-ending relationship, the break up had to be done His Way. Really Cheater? You’ll move out when you say so?
Hmmmm.
He would take forever to get back to me. PS it was a text-only one-way communique with him. No phone calls. Actually, no phone calls was FINE by me.
I’m sure it’s no surprise to you that I was the Organized One. You know little things like hiring a Realtor, selling the house, paying all home related expenses etc. It was fabulous that he took weeks and weeks to get back to me.
Was he attempting to infuriate me on purpose?
Was this his way of still “Leading the dance?” I am convinced that it was. By divorcing me he was giving up the power he felt and the satisfaction he got from controlling my life when he was ready.
He could go out and live life over in his new place with his new young “thang” but he still attempted to keep me from changing. “Stay the same Diane even though I’ve left you.”
Our relationship became “Insanely Dysfunctional.” I think that should be a new clinical term!
It took quite a long time for him to abandon these attempts to control me from afar. To stop leading the dance long after the music had ended and the band had gone home.
To stop the “dance” with an ex-spouse, focus on emotional detachment and boundary-setting. This is all part of moving on, so if your Ex is still trying to engage in this controlling behavior, don’t let him. You’re in the lead now ladies. Dance away…from Him…forever! Keep all interactions Necessary, Emotionless, and Brief to avoid being baited into old arguments. Sell that house. Ditch whatever he’s left behind for you to discard for him. (Cause, we’ve got nothing better to do with our extra time, right?)
With all this new “me” time you may find yourself reminiscing about your “heydays.”
Back when you were stronger, more athletic, practiced the piano 8 hours a day, had visible eyebrows… stuff like that. This seems like a destructive habit to me. We all need to turn our thoughts around and start acting and thinking like we are in the midst of our heydays!
Why are we making ourselves glum? It may be a sneaky excuse not to try anything new. To stay exactly as we are. As if there are no new experiences or challenges “out there” for us Leftat50’s. Treat yourself with the same kindness you would offer a friend. Transition your identity from “partner” to a “whole, independent person.”
I used to run all day on six hours of sleep. To bake my own bread, but goodbye carbs forever if I am to maintain my weight. I used to know fluent French, but you know if you don’t use it, you lose it. “Oh, well, I say.” Is that who we are now? A bunch of “Oh well-ers?” Ladies, I do not believe that one bit! We may be a little rusty, or have different knees, or a ticky shoulder, or a bad ear, but these are things everybody ends up with.
Genetic predispositions are no excuse to stop living.
Myself, I require a lot of “maintenance” to keep myself in the “life loop.” Maybe a chiropractor appointment here and a skin-check by the Dermo there, and some overly expensive shoe inserts, well, in every pair of shoes I own, but I refuse to let that stop me. I greeted. my new, sensible shoes with a big “Hello!”
I have watched some dear girlfriends with a few years on me, shall we say, “retract” from life. The list of things they “used to do all the time” gets longer every year, replaced by, um, nothing.
Since being Left at 50, God knows I went through the painful phase of not being capable of doing anything new. I was a deer in the headlights of an unfamiliar existence thrust upon me by my Ex’s betrayal. My gusto was gone. Then I woke up one day and decided the rest of my life could not be stamped with his big “Disapproved” stamp. A new sense of identity solidifies and you begin focusing more on future goals than past grievances.
Now every one of my Heydays is full of intentions that I fully expect to fulfill. Make your list and get going! Now here’s a helpful hint: every new activity may require “the right shoes.” And the only way not to use that old excuse is to go shoe shopping pronto!
Go ahead and dare to make the rest of the years of your life the best years of your life.
You only have to slow down if you want to. I found it was great for my mental health to do the opposite. Every time I find myself couch surfing with a remote in my hand I get up, put on the sensible shoes and get out.
The result of this is that I now have a myriad of new life experiences. I’ve explored nature trails. Tried new restaurants that are several towns away. I’ve become a Farmer’s Market connoisseur. Who knew Dragon Fruit was so delicious? Have you noticed every smoothie place has Acai in their offerings? What the heck is it? Well, a nice lady told me they come from palm trees in the Amazon rain forest in Brazil.
I never know what I will learn when I head out to a new event. But I do know that I learn nothing and snack too much alone on my couch. Over time I moved from feeling lonely to feeling “complete” when I was alone. Now that you are not “dancing” around your Ex’s life inconveniences, I urge you to google a fun thing happening around you and participate. It makes for confident small talk at the next gathering you attend.
We all go through major life transitions when relationships end… Through the Leftat50.com website, I will share my thoughts as I walk the path of “New-Self” discovery. It doesn’t matter which side of 50 you are on. The real question is, ‘Are you ready to live life? To forge a Path of Your Own Making (For a change!)?’ Then stop dwelling over the What-Might-Have-Beens and join me. Share your thoughts here, comment on mine, and let’s do this together! And check out my book, “Restarting Your Life When You Are. No Longer A Wife,” I wrote it just for you!