Are you writing your own bad press inside your head? Like there’s a constant news crawl at the bottom of your brain highlighting nothing but your faults? If so, I have this question/revelation for you:
Have you ever gone twenty-four hours without being self-critical?
I mean not one bad thought going through your mind regarding You. Only complimentary self-talk. I bring this up to you, because of my own revelation: I truly do not believe that in my adult life I have ever gone twenty-four hours without a negative thought about myself. Not on vacation, (“Why did I buy this bathing suit?”) Not over the holidays, (“Don’t eat this or that or you’ll regret it”), Not even all gussied up for someone’s wedding.
Nope.
Wow. Just, wow.
Is this a woman thing? If so, why is this a woman thing?
I realize for us Leftat50s, there is the added element of having been walked out on by the man you trusted the most.
That little thing.
For the first two years or so, my inner critic took up what seemed like permanent residence in my head. Like an evil step-mother waving her crooked finger at me, “What’s with the eye wrinkles?” The stomach pooch? Boy, you have really let yourself go. I thought you said you’d never do that?”
I’m sure you have your own cruel inner crone to add to the list.
I had to challenge myself, and now, I’m offering my challenge to all of you. Can you go twenty-four hours, twenty-four little, teensy, 60-minute hours without throwing one single criticism at yourself?
Can you slam the door on what you perceive as your “bad parts” that you have to camouflage by wearing certain clothes, etc. How about you only focus on your many, many assets? Feel self-pride instead of self-judgment for one measly day?
I swear, it’s a mindblower, a game-changer, and it sparked in me a realization of the many yucky things I do to myself.
So unnecessary!
Not helpful!
These thoughts are the opposite of Life-Changing.
Who needs that?
Give it a go. Start today or tomorrow, or whenever you want, but try it!
Cause you are awesome. There, you see? I’ve already given you a start.
Speaking of being good to yourself, I came up a set of rules while out there trying to do that thing called “dating, I made a list of clues that show you are not dating the man you’ve been seeing for awhile.
The “D” Word
1. If you have to ask the man you think you are dating if you are “a couple,” you are not a couple.
The “F” Word
2. If he introduces you to others as his “friend,” then you are not dating him.
The “T” Word
3. If he texts you and never calls you, that means he really doesn’t want to talk to you, and you are not a dating couple. (I know everyone texts these days, but at some point during an entire week, he should want to hear your voice.)
The Double O (and not in a good way.)
4. If he never texts you unless YOU text him FIRST, he’s really not interested in you, but is keeping his Options Open. Is this couple behavior? NAH!
Fake Forgetting
5. When it’s always “Dutch” every time you go out, or worse, you pay because he “Forgot my wallet.” Not a real couple.
At The Ready
6. When all of his plans with you are last minute, couple hood red-flag. RUN!.
Clearly, I could go on and on ad infinitum. But I see you nodding your heads so I needn’t. You’ve already listed one hundred or so more, haven’t you?
No Future Fun
7. When you drop him off and there is no mention of when you might hear from him again, you are not dating him. This true fact means you are free to go out into the world and find an actual date who enjoys future plans as much as you do.
I give you this list as a quick refresher so you don’t waste time and make the same mistakes I have made. Time and again, I dealt with each and every one of these scenarios, and told myself I was in a “relationship.” Of course, these “relationships” were never legit. They droned on because I didn’t want to face the fact that he was never going to be MINE. Not even for a night.
Initially, he was, in my mind, the Man of my Dreams.
Because, after all I’d been through, didn’t I DESERVE that?
Even as months went by, and none of the things that would have made him a real “boyfriend” happened, I thought, “Well, I’ve spent a lot of time on this one, I should keep trying.” This, from a woman who was Leftat50! Who put up being treated terribly for years. (Oops, I meant decades.)
Why was I refusing to pull my blinders off? I’d created my own myopic dating challenge by only looking at what was right in front of me, (him) instead of what was all around me (his actual behavior).
Honestly, it was the attention. I was willing to sit through a totally B.S. “date” because I desperately wanted to feel like I’d been out on one! I’d be dressed up and he’d be coming straight from the gym. Oh, how I looked past all of it so I could tell myself “I’m on a date!”
If you are having “illusions of intimacy” with someone, learn from me.
Don’t let yourself down.
I would come home feeling empty. It was obvious I was setting myself up for Heartache Number Two. But then, I stopped and got real with myself. I’m so glad I did. I deserve more than that. This lady will not settle. She will find someone who respects her as much as she respects herself.
Lift yourself up from the restaurant chair, as he’s going to be a “few minutes late” again, and walk away. You’ll be glad you did.
We all go through major life transitions when relationships end… Through the Leftat50.com website, I will share my thoughts as I walk the path of “New-Self” discovery. It doesn’t matter which side of 50 you are on. The real question is, ‘Are you ready to live life? To forge a Path of Your Own Making (For a change!)?’ Then stop dwelling over the What-Might-Have-Beens and join me. Share your thoughts here, comment on mine, and let’s do this together! And check out my book, “Restarting Your Life When You Are. No Longer A Wife,” I wrote it just for you!