When you are in the first phase of a breakup, you are still in a type of “relationship”. Even though it is one that is ending, the word Relationship still exists for you. It’s not merely scissors that cut a string. It is a long spool that has to be untangled and unraveled until there is no more string. This takes a long time. Going through the shared items, deciding what to throw out and what to keep. Whether you are actually in the house you shared or not, in your head, you are still in it.
Precisely like you were “in” the relationship. Even when he clearly no longer was.
The Relationship consumed your days as well as every single decision you made. From what the two of you were going to eat, to how you were spending your weekend. Every single day you were “in it” and now you are “in” the breakup and you can’t see the other end of the tunnel. You don’t know how long the tunnel is, so you have no choice but to keep walking. At times it feels like he’s in the tunnel with you, and other times it feels like he’s not. But you must keep going! That is what nobody understands about the break-up of a long-term relationship. You no longer are a twenty-year-old, jumping off a cliff into a river where you can go with the flow. Life is different now.
The relationship stage you are in is called “Ending it Forever”.
You can’t simply jump into your new Single Life. Not after spending the decades of your twenties and thirties and forties with the same person every day.
Hundreds and hundreds of days add up to thousands of days. So, if you are in it, you are in it. And I am here to tell you this: It’s alright to be in it
Don’t judge yourself for being in it. More importantly, don’t think he’s not in it, because he is. He is totally in it. Even if he’s with her, he’s in it. He lived through the same tragedies and triumphs you did. He is in a tunnel of his own.
It’s part of the separation. It’s part of the ending of it. And at some point, you both come to terms with a new reality.
Because there are no new beginnings without an ending. It’s okay to feel what you are feeling. To think what you are thinking.
Be In it. Keep walking. The light at the end of the tunnel is your new life!
One of the most difficult decisions you will make is deciding that it’s time to walk away from your heartache. For aren’t we entitled to feel our feelings? Of course we are! But the big pile of dirt that remains from our Life Avalanche is blocking our future path. The one we deserve to have access to after all we’ve been through. Even when we think we are “settled in” to our New Lives, we are still bumping up against something. It’s the heartache.
There is a compromise to be made with our stubborn selves, the ladies who “can’t let it go.” If this is your story too, let me tell you something. It’s OK to need a hand.
Just because we did everything all by ourselves during the last years of our failing relationships, doesn’t mean we must go it alone now.
We’ve gone from “We” thinking to “Me” thinking. It’s time to pick a new “We.” Pick up the phone and call them. Whoever that may be for you. Don’t think you must instantly be the Heroine of your own story. When you are still in the avalanche, that’s not an option. And that’s okay. It’s all part of the life restart. That re-start will become a re-make when your energy is restored.
Do you feel wrung out? Of course you do. You’ve literally been through the wringer!
I bet you’ve probably been going through it for years. Feel what you feel. Then reach out to someone who can help you step away. Let the tears fall as you do so. I promise they will diminish.
You will see, as time passes, that the tears of sorrow become tears of cleansing, and then, one day you realize you have not cried at all. Maybe it won’t even hit you until the next day or week! It is this women’s truth that your healing will come without you realizing it.
There is love to be found in this world through your outstretched hand. Your freedom is within you.
“He just wasn’t your person,” people like to say when a relationship ends. Implying that there is still a My Person. He is “Out There” waiting to step into my existence and complete me. The Tender to all of my wants and desires. The Stoker of my inner flame. “What a glorious occurrence that will be” they love to tout. Like we are standing around in our lives, constantly looking through our pair of “boy-noculars” waiting for “Mr. MyPerson.” Um, no.
Leftat50’s, there is a very strong lesson Diane is going to lay down on you. You are your person. Not a brain surgeon in Armani who owns a yacht and a second home in Sicily. Not that there’s anything wrong with that! Deciding to look inside instead of outside right after a breakup is a healthy way to go. Advice to heed: It’s not going to appear that way at first. Life viewed through Tear Vision is not the clearest, but tears are necessary and there is every reason to shed them. There are many stages to grief and there is no reason to skip any of them.
There are also many stages of life. Humans don’t go from being four to forty in a week for good reason. Surprisingly a divorce enhances growth even though it feels like stagnation for a time.
Being Your Person is an evolution. From shock to hurt to adjustment to Self-Confidence to Satisfaction with life is a process. Mini-makeovers start happening all by themselves once healing takes a hold of the soul.
Regeneration cannot be stopped and bit by bit a woman who may have been calling herself divorced refers to herself as single! A woman who thought she was left, now knows with inner certainty that she’s been set free.
Mirrors don’t lie and reflections will reveal a light coming from within. Embrace it, settle into it because the fantastic realization is coming: your person is you. Introduce yourselves, step in to each other, and start tending to all of those wants and desires. Happy together as one.
We all go through major life transitions when relationships end… Through the Leftat50.com website, I will share my thoughts as I walk the path of “New-Self” discovery. It doesn’t matter which side of 50 you are on. The real question is, ‘Are you ready to live life? To forge a Path of Your Own Making (For a change!)?’ Then stop dwelling over the What-Might-Have-Beens and join me. Share your thoughts here, comment on mine, and let’s do this together! And check out my book, “Restarting Your Life When You Are. No Longer A Wife,” I wrote it just for you!