He didn’t just walk out the door. It’s more like he took an ax and knocked down every wall of the house we’d built. Our life. Each day of those many years is heaped in a broken memory pile. Never to be sifted through. What’s the point of that?
It’s kind of shocking at first when you realize it’s all gone. Like an unfair tornado appeared and destroyed your life. Looking back, we know the walls had been unsteady for years. The door was being walked out of much more than it was being walked in through. Silent nights in bed alone. Listening for the garage door’s rumble, letting you know his night of infidelity was over. Not that he’d ever admit to it. You wouldn’t bring it up either. The unspoken betrayal was the ghost keeping you apart. Even in the house you worked so long and hard to build.
Many of us are now over that phase.
We’ve landed on our feet. Found a decent place to call home. Have our own interests and friendship circle. It’s an entirely different existence. It’s busy. We are part of a much bigger life than the sheltered, quiet one of the unhappy past. We know it was a good thing. Sometimes painful, often overwhelming, but ultimately a major improvement.
We are so much happier and healthier. Many of us are this way because we committed to creating a “Hard and Fast” list of what we can no longer tolerate. It really clarifies future friendships and relationships to know for sure what’s a deal breaker. In my youth, I thought I had good friendships. But looking back, I see there were a plethora of “takers.” I’d put in a lot of effort, and they’d wander through my sphere of existence when they felt like it. They contributed almost nothing. That’s not today’s Diane. I
It’s led to a daily life of almost no feelings of resentment towards anyone.
This list came about over time. I no longer chase people who make no effort to be in my life. Another bad action was making myself smaller for the sake of someone else’s comfort. Not everyone is meant to be my friend.
My peaceful life came about the moment I became accustomed to protecting my peace with no guilt at all. If people out in the world are angry or having a bad day, I don’t react in any way. It is unnecessary to stress myself out in that way. If an angry Tesla driver has cut me off and drives a million miles an hour, I feel no anger. Mostly, I hope they don’t kill anybody through their carelessness. Then I put on some music!
What do you know? Not being walked all over leads to a lighter, peppier existence. When I look back now, I wonder what it was I thought I was saving? Why the holding on to a relationship that no longer existed? But of course, when you are with one person for around a quarter of a century, that person becomes your life. It is only natural that the letting go and forgetting it all stage comes around much later.
When we have had time to adjust to our new freedom and embrace it, we feel ourselves thriving in unexpected ways.
Of course, first we must get through those months of explaining what happened to the relatives. The ones who are in your life and those who are exiting. Many of them said they’d still keep in touch, but exactly zero of the folks who said that are currently in my life. I accept that. It probably would have been very awkward for both of us. I am not mad at any of them.
It is all part of the moving on. As summer ends and we enter fall, we accept all of those changes of season. That’s what I see my breakup as – a change of the seasons of my life. And much like Mother Nature, this was going to happen no matter what I did or did not want. No matter what I did or did not say or do. It just was the Breakup Season. His leaving was like the leaves that fell from a tree. Part of the natural course of this relationship that I realized was not meant to be forever.
People change in ways we have no control over.
They cheat, lie, drink, move on… all of it. I know you know. Their changes lead to our choice to change ourselves as well. There is no going back to who we were twenty-five years ago. I know now that is okay because it was exactly what needed to happen. The unhappy status quo was going to kill my chance at future happiness. That was something I knew I deserved. But before I could obtain that, I had to let go of everything we’d built together. Because there was no “we.”
Then, a day came that I woke up and not only accepted that reality, but I felt like rejoicing over it. What had needed to happen for years finally happened. No more coasting through a loveless life. I leapt out of bed that day, determined to build a new life. Boy, have I ever! It’s amazing what new thoughts and plans and ideas can come into our heads once all of that ugliness is over! Distrust, hurt, anger—it was all gone one morning. I began to make future plans to go places around town with friends. Plays, movies, visits to the zoo, street fairs, concerts, taking dance aerobics. I ended up starting this blog, and that turned into a book, and it’s soon to be an audiobook too.
This is what can happen when we decide to stop being the Giver in a world of non-reciprocal Takers.
To focus solely on our own happiness. Being gentle with ourselves as well as non-critical. All of that useless mental load of “I wonder why he said that?” Or “What did I do to deserve that level of neglect?” All of those pondering thoughts are gone. Instead, we focus on the positive. Our moods are not molded into anyone else’s. We are in control of that.
Now we post about our goings-on almost every day. Can you believe the contrast? We live an active life, not the sad one we thought we couldn’t tell anyone about.
This is the life we always deserved and dreamt of.
But we dream no more. We don’t pine for future happiness. Instead, we create it through our thoughts and actions. We learn how to reach out. How to join in. Learning to make new connections, we realize it’s not nearly as daunting as we thought it’d be. Basically, it involves showing up. For ourselves and for others.
We are part of the flow of the life we have built. Being forward-thinking women who do not look back has lifted our spirits higher than we ever thought possible. Today I am planning on going to a pumpkin patch and finding a Great Pumpkin. I’m pulling out some decorations I’ve had for years and leaning into the season. Who knows? There may even be some ears of dried corn on my apartment door this year. Why not?
We all go through major life transitions when relationships end… Through the Leftat50.com website, I will share my thoughts as I walk the path of “New-Self” discovery. It doesn’t matter which side of 50 you are on. The real question is, Are you ready to live life? To forge a Path of Your Own Making (For a change!)? Then stop dwelling over the What-Might-Have-Beens and join me. Share your thoughts here, comment on mine, and let’s do this together! And check out my book, “Restarting Your Life When You Are. No Longer A Wife” I wrote it just for you!